Mrs. Moustache

“Laugh it up, Fuzzball.”

I have great, hairy genes, mainly from my Dad’s side. He’s like a Sasquatch. I’ve always been a little fuzzy. Don’t get me wrong, it makes for a great head of hair, eye-brows (after they’ve been waxed, mind you) and eye-lashes. I don’t have to wear mascara, but I did start shaving when I was 9. Be envious. Very envious. My mom got me a Smooth Operator electrical shaver, when I was in the 4th grade. I’m serious. A pink one.

It’s been character-building for-sure because after a while I didn’t care if people commented on it because there was not much I could do about it. God made hair and hair don’t hurt!

At one of my piano lessons with Mrs. Davis, I was probably worrying out loud about my dark follicles and she told me a little story of how her daughter-in-law didn’t shave her legs for the 9 months of her pregnancy. This hairy adventure ended in, what Mrs. David giggled about, her having legs like a MAN! I’m not sure if that was supposed to make me feel better, more than just an amusing story. Growing enough hair on my body, so that I “looked like a man,” was honestly one of my fears.

Problems Hairy Girls have:

  1. You can never have too many tweezers around. Like a Boy Scout, always be prepared. Nothing is as mortifying as finding a lone chest hair, when wearing, what you thought was a flirty outfit to work. Low necklines equals making sure there are no unwelcome guests  coming out for a visit… on your cleavage. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve fruitlessly tried to pluck an errant hair out of my own chin or chest. Natural light, I find, is THE best place to pluck. So, I like to carry tweezers in my purse. When we used to have a car, and I was a passenger, tweezing there was awesome. Put one of those guys in the glove compartment. Bob’s your Uncle.
  2. You are jealous of people with blond body hair. Not in a bad way or weird way. Well… there was this gorgeous lifeguard at the neighborhood Cabana Club and she grew out her leg hair. It was GOLDEN and reflected the light. I thought it was pretty. I found the best combination of complexion and hair color was to have darker, olive-colored skin with light body hair. Even when it gets wet, you cannot see it. I noticed these things.
  3. Why are razors SO expensive? I don’t think I need to explain why I asked that question. I mean, when I was born, they should have looked at, at least one of my parents and gave them a life-time supply at the hospital. I, now, have a son and breathe a sigh of relief. I hope he’s hairy. Very hairy. Lots of hair. Because if I ever have a daughter and she’s hairy? Oh, well, at least I’ve been through it! She will be in good company.

Daddy Arms

I think I was a sophomore or junior in high school and babysitting a little girl around the cute and precocious age of 4, let’s say. We were sitting cross-legged on the floor of her adorable, pink-colored room. I was reading a book and as she listened to my crazy character voices, she started to pet the hair on my arms.

“You have Daddy Arms.” She stated. And that was that. I had Daddy Arms.

That was in high school, where I was on Swim Team; the sun and chlorine actually dramatically reduced the amount and lightened the color of my Daddy arm-hair, during that time. To my horror, I found out that my body hair is BLACK, if I was not swimming regularly. This revelation came in undergrad where I decided to wax my OWN ARMS! All I can say is don’t to it. And especially don’t, if you are: 1. not an esthetician, 2. In a dorm room with carpets, and 3. Using your roommate’s microwave. Yah, I had to borrow my best friend’s Dad’s GOO-GONE to get the wax off of EVERYTHING.

Why did I try to go it alone? My mom’s know-it-all waxing lady, I visited during a school break, told me I should just do it myself and that it was “so easy.” What bullshit. After taking an HOUR doing ONE ARM, I then went to all my neighbors, who happened to be guys, to show them the before and after. One arm with hair and one arm probably sort of red and splotchy with bits of pink wax.

I did end up getting the other side done, too, but from then on I got a professional to do it. And my lip, too! Man, did I seriously feel like a super model after getting my lip waxed. I think my husband thinks so, too, because he gives me extra fun money every month to get waxed! What a thoughtful guy!

Home Electrolysis

So, the Hairy Apple doesn’t fall far from the Hairy Tree, if you know what I mean. My super sweet grandma had issues with, at least, facial hair because I would find all kinds of crazy home electrolysis machines in her bathroom! Scary, right? I would be afraid I would home-electrocute myself with one of those things! I also know what happens if you don’t replace your hormones when you are past menopause. Male pattern baldness. I won’t say who I learned that from because I really and truly have a deep respect for all my older relatives, many who’ve left us.

But now I wish I talked frankly with my grandma about her methods because I’m sure she’d be straight with me. She always could answer my deep spiritual questions. Like “why did God create penguins?” Her answer was because He had a sense of humor.

Shave Parties and Drag

Oh wow, so before big meets, like Championships, they would have Shave Parties. Also a few weeks before CCS or whatever, we’d all wear extra swimsuits, some also wore nylons with the feet cut out and some girls WOULD NOT SHAVE! Just to be honest, I never went to CCS because that was for the cream of the crop from Varsity. They got to all go crazy swimming outside in the winter and then probably had a lot of fun getting our of those wet nylons.

Going back to Shave Parties, at the local Cabana Club, where guys would often shave their legs for the first time. I never went. Are you kidding me? Grow my hair enough for you to watch me shave it? Let’s get real. I had a process, in the shower, and you don’t even know how far up I go because that is none of your stupid business.

While we are on not shaving – Don’t Shave for November for Charity? Movember. That sounds like my worst nightmare, as a lady. Honestly, if I could bring one thing as a stranded castaway, on a desert island, it would be a razor. I’m scared of what could be when it comes to my body hair.

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